FADE IN
INT. WEST LA MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
Establishing Shot, A friend and I are in A Dark Theater as the movie is about to start. CU: my hands fumble with a bag of wasabi peas that I bought at the counter. MCU: my friend looks at me with a scrunchy nosed tight browed face that questions why on earth I would choose such an inappropriate snack. OS: I shrug my shoulders in an 'I don't know, fuck it' sort of way.
KEVIN SMITH, 38, Established Director begins telling me a story through picture and sound.
KEVIN SMITH
So, I haven't had a successful movie in years.
ME
What are you talking about? Jay and Silent Bob must have made a killing at the Box Office, plus Clerks II had to have done pretty good.
KEVIN SMITH
That's not what I mean. I'm best known for my Grungy suprisingly fresh comedies that offer a close examination of human interaction off the beaten path of the glamorous hollywood cinematic style.
ME
Wow Kevin, that sounds a lot more like me talking, than you, but continue.
KEVIN SMITH
Well, as of late, I really admire Judd Apatow's work. He's managed to reach a level of comedic box office popularity that I was never quite able to achieve.
ME
I guess the idiosyncratic dialogue reminds me of you, but yours is usually self-indulgent and interjects all your extremely witty observations about society and the world into a conversation that doesn't quite feel appropriate nor real nor pertinant to the story. No, don't look at me like that, I love it. That's what makes you, well, you. If I want Judd Apatow, I go see his stuff. He's just garnered more box office success because his films are more easily digestable to a broader audience. His dialogue is funny, but the actors deliver a better performance because 1. they're more talented than Ben Affleck and 2. the societal observations that Judd Apatow inserts are in the subtext instead of in the exposition. Fuck, now I'm starting to sound more like you!
KEVIN SMITH
Nah, It's cool. I can appreciate you poking fun of my shit to illustrate your point. But see, you forgot the witty idiosyncratic quip that makes me clever as fuck, and the vulgar cursing that makes it sound real.
ME
Well, I sincerely apologize for this entire farce. My attempt to write a clever review couldn't possibly do you justice. It's just that this movie I'm watching doesn't quite feel like you, not that there's anything wrong with evolving. It's just that Zac and Miri are making me realize a lot of things about you as a director, Me as a filmmaker, and well film making in general.
KEVIN SMITH
Dude, there's nothing wrong with that. That's great, I'm glad to oblige. That's what a film is supposed to do right?
ME
Yes. But it's not intentional, and you're definitely not gonna like what I'm seeing and realizing.
KEVIN SMITH
Really? I wanted this movie to go closer to the core of what made Chasing Amy So great. It's a real human romance. The porno storyline was just a great scenario that gave us the opportunity to have a lot of fun like Mallrats and Clerks. It was the Studios that wanted a believable story favoring Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks as leads because they wanted to appeal to the Judd Apatow demographic and ensure the kind of Box Office numbers they've been getting.
ME
Well it was a success in that regard. I enjoyed it and my friend loved it. At one point (can't spoil it) I was obnoxiously convulsing with laughter and screaming at the top of my lungs. That is until I got embarrassed about the noises I was making and had to be self-conscious enough to be polite to the other patrons. I liked it, I really did.
KEVIN SMITH
So...What's the problem then homedog? Lay it on me.
ME
I was turned off because It was so Juvenile and farty. I get that you write for an audience and it made for some great scenes. The sexual obsession was actually really fun. But it was the romance part that lost me. It was a 17 year old perspective of idealized love. It was lacking in experience and understanding in its sexuality. It definitely suggests that true love should be something between two people which are essentially best friends, which I agree with. However I couldn't buy the 'I love you cuz your my best friend, but I hope things don't get wierd when we start having sex' thing. The main sex scene made a case for the intimate eye contact of missionary over 'anal' with a constipated recognizable porn star (Who was pretty good btw). It's just that the treatment exposited more about your immaturatity in sexual relationships than it did about your maturity as a film maker. To illustrate my point, at the opposite end of the spectrum are movies like Closer, Mo' Better Blues, and The Dreamers. Still those are dramas. But Judd Apatow's superbad was at least consious of it's own lack of sexual maturity.
A film is so telling about the director and the writer. Sexual relationships leave a filmmaker so naked and intimate with the audience. Your film presented more about the masturbation technique of the 'double dutch rudder' than the sexuality of best friends falling in love. Like a porno, Zac and Miri is a Vulgar juvanile fantasy about what sex must be like. I got off, but there's no relationship there.
FADE OUT
-MM
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